Slaps and more slaps
By M.A. Agbamuche
I HAVE consistently maintained that the best way to handle the stress of living in Nigeria is to look for the lighter side of what is essentially a dysfunctional society situated in a rapidly deteriorating environment and ruled by a set of libidinous comedians. When the story first hit the headlines that a Senator had slapped a female colleague in public I, like many Nigerians, at first did not take the story seriously. One was tickled by the picture of a pot-bellied rosy cheeked Senator in flowing robes working up enough energy to with one hand pull back by the shoulder a colleague and with the other hand acting in co-ordination administering a slap on the face.
The fact that the slappee was female gave more cause for mirth. What type of relationship could the distinguished Senator have had with her for him to presume to grab her shoulder and a married woman at that. What was she wearing one wondered, could she have been wearing one of those creations that show off women's shoulders and arms in what the depraved designers fondly imagine is an alluring way. What of her shoes, could they have been high heeled and if so why did she not lose her balance and fall into the slapper's arms instead of remaining up right and well positioned for the slap.
No information was supplied in the news report as to the relative heights of slapper and slappee but one's imagination was further tickled by the vision of a short pot-bellied man jumping up to successfully reach the face of an Amazon in order to land the slap. The slap must have been a hard one, I surmised. The report was that she burst into tears. Even The Guardian in its editorial described the slap as a "dirty slap". Presumably "a clean slap" does not produce tears.
The picture we ordinary Nigerians have of senators is of agbada-wearing, pot-bellied, short with gold wrist-watch and at least two solid gold rings on the fingers. Imagine the surprise we all experienced when the matter suddenly took on an air of seriousness. First the slapper denied the slap whilst the slappee made a report to the police unit located within the precincts of the legislative complex. Aforesaid policemen obviously saw the matter as comparable to husband and wife quarrel and so made no invitation to the slapper to come and explain himself.
Meanwhile, more and more media commentary served to stoke the fire. The women legislators declared themselves ready for war against violent men inclusive of men who are not legislators. The possibility loomed that the slapper world be arraigned before the ethics and privileges committee of the Senate. In a dramatic anti-climax the slapper owned up and apologised. In giving his apology he was accompanied by his sons, one wondered why not his daughters. The slappee graciously forgave him and he got only a slap on the wrist. That I thought was the end of the story. I returned to my search for comic relief in the newspaper.
Imagine my shock when I read in a recent The Guardian edition, the headline "female Rep slaps male colleague". Far from being amusing, the matter was no longer funny. It hit me then that the slaps were not just mere exchanges in bad temper, or slap-stick comedy but further manifestation of how utterly degraded this democracy we have is. The National Assembly is not composed of the best men and women Nigeria can produce, but is in fact full of the most ordinary Nigerians imaginable.
Vulcanisers and mechanics slap each other regularly. Bus conductors at crowded bus stops in Lagos trade slaps in the course of their duties. Policemen slap erring commercial bus drivers, and from reports husbands slap their wives. Now that the scales have fallen from our eyes, we can now all see that our legislators are not dressed in the fine robes of integrity, honour and good behaviour or high principles. They are in fact naked like most other Nigerians, ruffians, bad mannered, no high principles etc.
We have been hoodwinked all this time. When the title 'Honourable' was given to them, individually we all believed it was fit and proper. No wonder this democracy has failed to produce dividends. All this time we ordinary Nigerians had been living in a fool's paradise, sustained by the illusion that 'Honourable' members and distinguished Senators sat in the National Assembly and being in a higher state of grace must be doing good for us. Like Shakespeare's Hamlet "methinks that there is something rotten in the state of "...
- Agbamuche is the Owelle of Akwukwu-Igbo and a Senior Advocate of Nigeria.
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