Congratulations, we're No.3
By Reuben Abati
"CONGRATULATIONS, my brother"
"What is that? Has anybody in my family won the lottery? Do you know something that I am not yet aware of?"
"Congratulations. Bring your hand first. Let me have a brotherly handshake".
"Look, I am not in the mood for any kind of frivolity. I am serious"
"People who are serious are in Aro and Yaba. Ah, ah, learn to relax. Oya bring your hand first. Congratulations, ore mu owo re wa".
"Okay. Okay. So what is the cause of this sudden excitement?"
"Have you not heard?. Has no one told you yet?"
"What?"
"Nigeria came third on the corruption index for year 2004".
"So, is that what is titillating you?"
"Emi la o ni yo si. Bi a ti fe ko ri, be na lo ri... Nigeria has made some progress. In 1999, when Baba took over as President, Nigeria was rated the most corrupt country in the world. But when he launched his campaign against corruption, we moved to No 2. Now, in 2004, we are in No 3. Look, let us be fair, and praise government on its achievement. This is solid proof that President Obasanjo's anti-corruption campaign is succeeding".
"Hopefully by 2007, we would be the fifth most corrupt country in the world, and that is what you call progress?"
"Try not to be too cynical. We have to learn to encourage government. This is at least something to celebrate. In fact, I hear that they are planning to have a big celebration in Abuja, and one of these days, a Minister or an Adviser will quote the Transparency International report as the sign of progress, and one of the achievements of the Obasanjo administration".
"That is not true. You are being mischievous. In fact, what has happened is that two Ministers have condemned the Transparency International rating. They say it is false and misleading. One British expert has also dismissed the Transparency International method of assessing corruption as outdated. I am not too sure that we need a foreign agency to tell us whether we are corrupt or not".
"You can't say that. When a foreign agency said that Nigerians were the happiest people on earth, you liked that, didn't you? Now, that Transparency International is saying we have made some progress, why are we not happy?"
"You call being put together with countries like Bangladesh, Haiti, Burma, Chad, Paraguay and Azeibaijan progress?"
"Okay, let's do some thinking. Jokes apart, I am aware of the Federal Government's position. Government is not happy with the Transparency International. The people in Abuja think we deserve better recognition. They are saying that Government has set up many agencies to fight corruption " ICPC, EFCC, NAFDAC, Due Process Office etc., and that the Transparency International report does not seem to consider this".
"You and I live in this country. Are you convinced that all those institutions are enough to check corruption? Are we not all living in this country?"
"The Federal Government expects due recognition for its reform agenda"
"Reform?"
"Transparency International is insisting that oil-rich nations are major centres of corruption".
"Is the Federal Government denying that? Look at the mess we have made of the oil and gas sector. Look at the failure of the refineries; the hardship that is being imposed on the people on account of the importation of petroleum products. I am tempted to say that Transparency International should not be the target of our anger; it is for us to do something about our circumstances. Why do we always look so bad in the eyes of others? We can't build and maintain refineries. We can't provide security".
"We look bad even to ourselves. What is the difference between what Transparency International has just said, and what Professor Chinua Achebe said last week?"
"But government is not listening. It does not want to be criticised at all".
"Your brother Femi Fanikayode was quoted as saying that Achebe has slapped us all, not the Federal Government".
"Slap? What kind of imagery is that? He was probably thinking of Senator Isah Mohammed slapping Senator Iyabo Anisulowo. That was despicable. Candidly, nobody should talk about slapping anybody in a decent society".
"I learnt that when Senator Mohammed delivered his heavy slap on Senator Anisulowo's face, the woman's eye-glasses fell off, and such was the impact that the woman staggered. She was lucky. The distinguished Senator Mohammed was determined to extinguish her"."
"Distinguished Senator who? I think Senator Isah Mohammed has lost the right to that title forever, for raising his hand against a woman, a mother, another man's wife, his own colleague, and public official".
"But he has since apologised, and the Senate has placed him on suspension for two weeks. He says it was the devil's work, and that at a stage in every man's life, he is bound to face trials and tribulations".
"Nigerians always find it easy to blame either God or the Devil for their personal failings. What devil pushed him to it?"
"He came to the National Assembly with members of his family actually. He has apologised, and the woman says she has forgiven him, although she regrets not returning the slap".
"Oh, how nice. What a fine comedy! But I don't think the matter should end on that "they all lived happily thereafter note. There are two issues involved".
"What else do you want? You like to meddle in other people's affairs".
"One - all women groups should register their objection publicly to Senator Mohammed's conduct. This is a sad and terrible case of gender victimisation, and violence against women. This is the kind of humiliation that women in public life are routinely subjected to. Women groups should insist that Senator Isah Mohammed must never again be addressed as a Distinguished Senator of the Federal Republic".
"He has apologised. That shows some humility".
"But he lied initially, he insisted that he did not slap her. Then, he turned around later and said it was the Devil. What kind of behaviour is that? If he were a Christian, I would have recommended that he should go for deliverance. If he could slap another man's wife like that, God, I pity his own wife".
"Wives?"
"Whatever"
" Your second issue".
"Okay, yes. Now, having dealt with Isah Mohammed, I think the Senate and all his critics must not lose sight of the matter that pushed him to violent and primitive explosion".
"He was asking Senator Iyabo Anisulowo to account for a sum of N1.2 million which, according to him, she withdrew in her capacity as Chairman of the Committee on States and Local Government Affairs, but without the consent of other members".
"Thank you. Nobody is talking about that N1.2 million now. Oil money. A dirty slap cannot be equal to N1.2 million. That would be too expensive. So, when Senator Anisulowo finishes clearing her tears, she would have to explain what happened to the N1.2 million".
"Good point. This is what the Transparency International is talking about. This is precisely why they too slapped Nigeria.".
"Senator Isah Mohammed could have followed due process to register his protest, instead of slapping a fellow Senator"
"Or could it be that the man wanted his own share of the money, or that the two Senators can't agree on how to manage the committee's funds?"
"Then, let Senator Anisulowo say so, if that is the case. In fact, I think one paper has reported her saying that it is Isah Mohammed who must account for a certain N500,000".
"My fear is that the Senate is going to treat this as a family affair".
"Which family? They can treat the slap or the apology for it as a family affair, but certainly not the N1.2 million. That is oil money? It belongs to all Nigerians. We have a right to know what exactly happened that would push a Senator to commit a crime. Thank God, the man did not have a gun, or matchet, or a big stick around him..."
"Talking about slapping someone, and living with the consequences, do you think Professor Achebe, who has now been accused of slapping all Nigerians, would also, at some stage, apologise?"
"For what?"
"For slapping Nigerians"
"Come on, don't be ridiculous. The man says he does not want their award. Is it by force?"
"Obviously, they want him to take it by force"
"I don't see how they can do that. No, that is not what they are saying".
"The Federal Government is saying that for rejecting their CFR award, Achebe does not deserve to be a Nigerian. They are inviting him to Abuja for dialogue, ostensibly to educate him about the achievements of this administration, which they are convinced he knows nothing about".
"For all the nonsense government officials have been saying about Achebe in the last week, the Federal Government owes Achebe a public apology. No serious country treats a national treasure like that, and Achebe is a national treasure and living legend. He is bigger than a national award, he no longer needs it. Besides, he is sending a strong message across. He says the trouble with Nigeria is its leadership. He once wrote a book about the same issue. He is insisting in 2004, that after five years of democracy, he has not seen any improvement. That should call for sober reflection, not insults. So, if Achebe does not deserve his country, who deserves to be a Nigerian?"
"They say he is mixing politics with national recognition"
"Those who have their palm nuts cracked for them by benevolent spirits must learn to be humble"
"They say he does not understand what is going on in Nigeria"
"Oh, gone are those days when men were men and women were married by those who deserved them".
"May be he should honour their invitation to dialogue. Or what do you think?"
"If the hunter has learnt to shoot without missing, the Eneke bird says it has also learnt to fly without perching".
"What are you saying?"
" Don't you understand? Proverbs are the palm oil with which words are eaten".
"I think they should just leave Achebe alone".
"What does it matter? Whether they leave him alone or not, there is nothing that they can do to him. He is at a stage in his life where he does not need favours from anybody".
"Or may be if Achebe goes to Abuja, they would treat him like the Falcons".
"How are they treating the Falcons?"
"You know the Falcons also slapped Nigeria in South Africa"
"According to them..."
"But President Obasanjo gave them a splendid reception two days ago. Instead of a handshake, he gave each one of them one million Naira each".
"That is good. Very good".
" So you see, Achebe..."
"The difference is that those who are abusing Achebe are doing so with the President's authority. This is the Nigerian government taking on Achebe directly", praising and insulting him at the same time, using low language to embarrass the master teacher".
"Ah"
"If they keep heckling him, President Obasanjo may end up getting a personal and open letter from Achebe. A testimonial on Obasanjo by Chinua Achebe. And, I assure you, that will be a historical document forever".
"Like the type Soyinka sent to him?"
"You watch. They have asked for it. They are the ones looking for enemies, instead of making friends".
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