posted
I have always wondered how some of my friends who have lived in the U.S. for so many years get up one day and go home and import a wife just like that.There is no relationship or even courtship and the women don't even know this men.
How can a man love a woman he does not know? or is it that love is not necessary in our marriages? What about our young women over here why are we so hesistent in marrying home girls in the west?
Some of us do it just to give another person (and by extention another family) an opportunity for a better life outside that space called nigeria as the economy worsens. Some do it for the food. Some do it b/c they are in love with these usually younger women. It has to be an individual thing. As for both being strangers, most relationships start out like that besides, who really knows a woman until he get married to her?
___________________ Feel me? Ofu onye ana asi unu abia go. - Ednut Igbo-American . www.airamericaradio.com visit her.
posted
Many reasons come to mind. Those who, after their exposure to the western world, settle for arranged marriages at home, have low self esteem. Some people feel a sense of self worth only when they can dominate and lord over a woman (wife). They feel that able, and assertive women are a threat to their manhood.
There are numerous horrow stories about fallouts in importing arranged wives (without prior knowledge/contact) from home. Even these imported wives are no longer in the dark once they arrive here.
These men need to overhaul their attitude on ordering maid-servant wives, including their phobia for self-made women here, and get some needed therapy on self esteem. You know, you can take some people out of the valley, but you can't take the valley out of them. I have stories to tell on these imported arranged marriages. None is a happy tale.
I would think people got married to start a family rather than giving somebody a chance to experience the good life in America. I know somebody who has just gone home for two weeks and expects to complete the marriage rites before he comes back.This fellow has never set his eyes on the bride to be, just the occasional phone conversation.
I know this was possible in the days of my parents but can any modern women or man marry an individual he does not know or has not developed close feelings for?
Amanda I think you hit the nail on the head, some men here are really looking for maids. Their idea of a wife is pretty close to what you have described.My question is who will marry our Igbo daughters out here ? if we continue to ignore them we risk disintegrating our budding community.
I think this is an interesting topic, There are so many reasons for going home to get married, However I have to strongly disagree with sister Amanda on low self esteem thing. Most of the people who go home to get married I would say 50% go home to marry somebody they made a promise to before coming over here, While some also dump those they made promise to before coming here. Some Nigeria men also have married American women and it left some hard feelings then they decide to try home grown.
Personally mine was family respect, Most of us no matter how old we get we are still be influenced by our parents. For me there were so many important people in my life who made it possible for me to get an Education here. So when it came time for marraige I agonized about it, trying not to disappoint them and at the same time do what I want. So I was lucky to find somebody I knew prior, I guess we reached a middle ground.
Like Ednut also said some men also who have wasted much of their youths, who now want to have children the best option for them is to import a younger woman. Though that have started to cause some problem as some of this older men can not satisfy this younger girls.
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posted
Bro Biafra, I hear you. Yours was a case where both of you knew each other at home, before you went to US, and had to go back to marry her. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that.
However, I'm talking about those men, who having married or produced children here with the American women, goes home for an arranged marriage to school girls who are at least 15 yrs younger. Then proceed to treat them as maid-servants, sex slaves, pay check providers, and punching bags. You can see that men who fit the above profile are lacking in self esteem.
Few years back, an Igbo guy received a call from his mother at home that they'd put an arranged wife (whom he had never seen or met) in the airplane heading his way. He received the woman at the airport. That evening, he informed her that he'd never marry a woman without mutual consent and without dating and loving her. He rejected her and the lady ended up with another family who arranged another husband for her.
Its sad how parents give their daughters away as if they are commodities for sale...without considering what fate will befall them.
I hear you both, and while I was never condenming marrying at home because some people maintain relationships there even when they are in America like brother Biafra has said,this is not the case with most people who head home to import their wives. Again some men I know here make a conscious effort to avoid homegirls abroad.
Some claim that homegirls over here try to mimick the liberated American women and subsequently have no respect for their husbands.Now in some instances they may be right, I have observed terrible attitudinal problems from some Igbo women over here, while also having noted thatwhat some of this men mean by respect can be equated to servitude.I guess it still boils down to different expectations we have about our prospective partners.Which is why we need a relationship first.
Where I am totally not in agreement is Ednuts point of marrying for the good food or Biafra's point of pleasing your family.I agree that even reasonable American women cook for their husbands, but it is not necessarily wise to marry just for this.Many women would holdyou hostage because of their good cooking.Bearing that in mind I have learnt to cook those things I like to eat, it is the reality of the society we live in.
Finally when you marry to please your family what about your own happiness?Although Biafra was wise enough to find a common ground, in most instances what I see is a sealed and delivered package from mama.While you cannot over emphasis the importance of a good relationship between your wife and family, however I believe your relationship with your wife is more important than that between her and your family.
My final point though is if we avoid ourselves in Diaspora what happens to our futur over here.Assimilation used to be the way to go in America but modern immigration seems to be moving towards segregation in the name of commuinty building.Think about it.
posted
Chiboy, Your points are well taken. For the longest time, it has been the "in" thing for our men in the diaspora to "move with" our women here, dump them and head home to marry the ones at home. The diaspora women noticed this trend and have started doing something about it.
They are now marrying other Africans in diaspora (including the whites) in raipd numbers (especially, West African men). Their conviction is that they are being treated better by their husbands who respects and appreciate their worth as human beings and as able women.
In the next 5 to 10 years, it will be the norm to see numerous diaspora women at cultural/tribal functions with non Igbo/Naija husbands including kids.
Folks, its for real. These women are saying, "I am", and other men are seeing that , "they are". I feel its for the better. Our men have learned to be tolerant and sensitive to American women. Our women are also learning to appreciate their individual worth and are developing finesse in POSITIVE assertiveness (they already know how to work hard and pull their own weight but are TIMID). These qualities from both men and women solidifies and enhances relationships.
To bridge the marriage gap between our men and women in diaspora, a serious and concienscious attitude change is required form both parties.
posted
I attempted to post my view earlier only to be prevented by my Daughter who switched of the mains while I was writing. Here is my view. There are many reasons why Biafrans go home to marry.
1) Those who live in remote parts of the world where their favorite game while walking the streets is Spot the Black!. So if these people want to marry a Biafran, they have to go home to be able to achieve it as their are not many Sisters out there. this is quite common amongst our Brothers in mainland Europe and those in the Cold states of USA.
2)Their are another group who are just going home to pick up their present/pre travel sweet hearts. Most frequently all thinds tend to work out amongst this group, but a few tend to find out that things have moved on since they left home, so what they expect is not what they find.
3) Those that did not have any prior relationship with the lady,but whose parents have placed the Lady in 'lay-by'. Some work out some dont. Often the men expect too much as the source of their feed back is their parents who more often than not may not know if any hanky panky is occuring. A friend of mine fell into this category. The Girl in question lived with his parents for some months during which she had visits from her 'maternal cousin' who turned out not to be a cousin afterall.
4)The authentic 'AHIA AKPA' .This by far the most known method I dont know however if it is the most common. Most men involved in this are mainly those who have trust that their families back home will select the right person. Also in this group are those who bow to family pressure and go through with this out of 'respect'. Your truely nearly fell into this group. I however had to be very diplomatic in the way i dealt with it. I always seemed to have a reason for being reluctant to proceed not because the ladies in question were not impecable but because I was not comfortable with the whole arrangement. Soon they left me alone as they felt that I was causing them too much embarassment.
5)The whirlwind romance. In this group are men who still believe that the society back home has not changed. Often you have people whose idea of a wifes duty are modelled after that of our mothers. They do not take into consideration that this is a different society. They often are not able to provide their wives the kind of support that our fathers provided our mothers to enable our mothers to do their duties. Back home,women were Odozi aku's , Ori aku's but abroad they tend to be Okpa aku's too.
Ultimately, people do things differently and achieve the same results. I am not saying that I method is good or the other is bad. But with our sisters in diaspora, what you see is what you get. They know what the score is. If they drink alcohol it is open knowledge same for smoking . Sometimes our brothers find out that their Home imported brides can actually have more tolerance to Big stout than they do, only after they they arrive abroad. This after sustained periods of consuming only malt during the courtship. I however have to say that most brothers dread what I would term the 'Whats Cooking' Paradox' i.e When a sister from home asks her partner the question she means whats happening while the Sister in Diaspora is asking her partner what he is cooking for dinner.
posted
Wacko I believe you have covered all the angles of the this issue.Just like you said what works for some may not work for others, but I am seeing a lot of this arrangee things go awry. Too much incompatibility especially with age and expectation differences.
Now there is a new phenomenom I am begining to notice and even sister Amanda missed this one, the Diaspora ladies are also begining to import their own men.I have witnessed three such drastic actions by young Igbo women in the last six months. Although one is an old relationship the other two were mama's choice.I am intrigued by this bold move by our sisters,would imported men fare any worse than their female counterparts or is it a win win world for us guys?
posted
Bro Chiboy, The importatation of home husbands by our women has not escaped my attention. However, I felt that its a bad move that will keep the women frustrated and disadvantaged.
Give the imported husbands a year, they'll discover that they don't even have to stick around the wives when there are many free and swinging (no attachment required) women who just need the sexual satisfaction and can pay for it.
Naturally, most of our men are not used to being strictly faithful in their relationships. So in their zeal to sample out numerous forbidden fruits out here, may end up deserting the women, including being unintentional fathers who has to pay child support for the next 18 yrs. This can certainly put such marriages on the rock.
A lady went home and married a sweetheart she left behind numerous years ago. She had a young adult daughter from her ex-husband. The sweet heart from home finally arrived. The lady worked night shift and that left her new husband and daughter always home at night. Eventually, she discovered that her sweetheart husband was having an affair with her daughter under her roof while she fed both of them. When she confronted them, the man beat and insulted her mercilessly. Her daughter exclaimed that she and her mother's husband were getting married. After which they left. Needless to say that the lady was so devastated that she had a nervous breakdown.
Ladies, I won't advise or encourage anyone to import a husband from home. Rather find a compatible man here for marriage. Do not restrict your search to Igbo men only. You already have a rich Igbo culture in your genes which you can use to positively influence your non-Igbo husbands the Igbo way.
That is really what the spirit of Biafra needs women marring ndi awusa after all they have been sexing them them up so that they can get them out of nigeria and make them independent women.
[ April 19, 2001: Message edited by: Ednut ]
___________________ Feel me? Ofu onye ana asi unu abia go. - Ednut Igbo-American . www.airamericaradio.com visit her.
I am agreeing with you instead of sister Amanda that in itself is a record. Ednut you are right on this one, our sisters have been giving themselves to Awusa since after the, in the name of liberation.
___________________ On Aburi We Stand.
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posted
Ednut and Biafra, I trully do not understand what you guys really mean by "sexing ndi awusa up and down" and giving themselves up for liberation.
As far as I know, here in the diaspora, our women do not associate with the Hausa men. If this phenomenon you're asserting is going on in your areas, let us hear it. Again, most of our women who are/were married to Hausa/Fulani were taken as war booties. If this is the basis of your arguement, then you are blaming the victims. But it is okay for Igbo men to sex up and down with Awusa/Fulani women....most of them have been prostitutes since age nine, right? Igbo men have even gone as far as converting to Islam, just to get into the pants of Awusa women. They are also known for their insatiable appetite for sampling out women from other tribes/nations...wherever they sojourn.
Going this far to insult the Igbo women is opening a whole pandora's box in which none of us will like the outcome.
Ednut, you are certainly not an Igbo man I can be proud of to take along to a foreign land. In as much as I'm not an advocate of Awusa/Fulani/Yoruba man/Igbo woman relationship, any Igbo woman is better off with a coherent and enlightened one of the above than you. If all that the Igboland could produce is nothing but your kind, she might as well be barren. Here you are, timid and devoid of self esteem. yet you want "Mama" to cargo a house servant sex slave whom you want to "sex up and down", while she's serving you hands and foot. Get an Awusa woman (or is it girl) and see how much "sexing up and down" you'd be doing. Don't let me get into your case!
I am surprised at you guys.I am sure you all know most Igbo women who ended up with Ndi Awusa were war booties, those who came back were never accepted and so many decided to hang in there. I can't hold that against our women folk because if some Igbomen like Jim Nwobodo were women imagine what they would have done.
I am waiting to see what you guys would do especially Ednut if you have daughters and they grow up here.We have to start taking our women more seriously, it could be your daughters futur at stake.
It really is not necessary for you to be trying to insult Ednut. You are wasting your time by doing that my sister b/c I will never respond in kind.
chiboy,
Lots of our women that call themselves liberated and independent here in the west were not war booties as you guys call them but maybe they were economic booties. I know some that were brought here by the generals and Alhaji's as girlfriend in the 80's and 90's and that was several years after the war. I also know some that were ashawo in nigeria maybe for some months just to raise enough money to come here and these are what you want us to marry? I think not.
___________________ Feel me? Ofu onye ana asi unu abia go. - Ednut Igbo-American . www.airamericaradio.com visit her.
How do you know what you are getting from home has not been sampled by the alhaji's and general's or is this a case of what I don't know won't kill me?
I happened to have visited one of the universities back home two years ago, my brother it was a shame.The female hostels could go for brothels and these are the educated ones you are expected to choose from.Do you honestly believe anyone would tell you the truth when you show up with your dollars?
Were the patrons to those college ladies (girls) not mostly Awusa soldiers? Or OMATA guys in some cases? Didn't the war end 31 years ago? How can you call these women war booties when they are still getting around with these men and one of us is asking Igbo and Biafran women to follow that partern here in the west. Where is the spirit of Biafra?
[ April 19, 2001: Message edited by: Ednut ]
___________________ Feel me? Ofu onye ana asi unu abia go. - Ednut Igbo-American . www.airamericaradio.com visit her.
You called the piper, you better dance to the tune.
Lots of our men who call themselves educated, independent, and liberated here in the West are Akata sperm booties as well as Akata economic booties. I know some who came here in the 80's and early 90's when families were selling lands and palm trees to fund their schooling here in abroad. When the monies ceased coming from home, they became Akata's sex toys, houseboys, and bill payers and haven't been able to get the freedom to receive cargoed economic reprieve and sexual booties from Mama.
I also know some who have reverted to homosexuality, transvesters activities and male prostitution just to raise enough money to live affordable lifestyles. These are the kind of men you want us, Igbo women to marry? Certainly not!
Please refrain from using the word "Akata", we only humiliate ourselves when play into this division.
Bro Ednut Are you saying that we might as well not marry Igbo women since the ones at home are following OMATA/Alhaji and the ones abroad are too liberated? How does a Biafran find a wife then?
Ahia mmadu n'azu ka O ma mgbe chi ya gbara. If the Awusa/OMATA soldires were/are besting you at courting and winning over Igbo college girls, it shows that you are lacking in manhood. You should have begged the OMATA guys to teach you the rope, instead of blaming the girls for your short comings.
For your information, the spirit of Biafra is not belittling Biafran women and requiring them to service your stone age bigoted urges. Go and read Ahiara Declaration for clarification.
I seriously doubt that any decent Igbo woman will take you serious, relation-wise. After their endless rebuffs, you end up with funny labels on them to assuage your scorned ego. Get used to it. BTW, no one is suggesting to you to marry any Igbo woman. I certainly won't recommend any to you, either. That will amount to condemning them to toturous early death.
Just as you have been opening yourself up to countless "OMATA" women both at home and here in diaspora, our women are also free to do what they please. Are you crying that they ignored you and are marrying other men? The venom emanating from your derision of Igbo women here has spoken volumes.
You want an imported school girl from home, don't you? Does it matter if she's a product of OMATA soldiers and college women? I bet she can teach you a thing or two about facts of life 101. Are you still dreaming of a "circumsized virgin"? Dream on. None so disillusioned as a clueless neanderthal.
The nerve of you, sitting here and painting an evil picture of hard working Igbo women here in daispora! You loaf around here wasting you youth and usefulness. Next, you want a school girl, old enough to be your daughter, shipped to you for your personal slavery and debauched pleasure. You are intimidated by women who are on equal playing field. Therefore, you resort to name calling and derogatory labelling. People like you have no business coming abroad. You find enlightenment elusive. A horse can be taken to the river, but cannot be coaxed to drink of it.
I never said that the ones abroad are liberated, one of them here on this board, on this particular thread, said so. Personally, I have met some of them and I will just have to reserve my judgement. The Igbo say that if you have nothing good to say about someone, to say nothing at all. We have someone here call Igbo men that marry from home all sort of names that she can come up with just b/c an Akwa Igbom guy dumped her. All I was doing is trying to point out that those Igbo/Biafran men prefare not to marry used and abused women espcially when the awusa men did the abusing with their uncircumsized penis. Tufiakwa.
And it may surprise those same "liberated" and "independent" women that "weak Igbomen" are afriad of that YES the world is still full of virgins, Igboland inclusive. Just b/c they sold their virginity to the awusa does not mean that the good girls from responsible families followed sooth. Check yourself.
___________________ Feel me? Ofu onye ana asi unu abia go. - Ednut Igbo-American . www.airamericaradio.com visit her.
I gbacha arabanko with umu nwanyi America, then you expect to be sold nice Igbo school girls from good families at home. No wonder you're still a tired, worn out, and starving OKOKPORO. You salivate for the American women who were de-virgined, and used up by their uncircumcised men, including the OMATA men here in diaspora. They only grab whatever little money they can knock out of you and head back to their uncircumsized "hommies" for their real pleasure.
A used up midlife crisis delusioned loser looking for virgins from nice families? A simple-minded no-brainer, by Igbo standard, looking for a virgin to acquire self worth? You are pathetically funny. Viagra cannot help you on this one. Women of your age group had moved on with meaningful lives a long time ago, yet here you are, still chasing elusive shadows caveman style. How many children that you fathered from several women here have you been forced to support? I feel your sorrow, really.
On the main board you proved that you are nothing but a lily-livered spineless bastard who preferred to be a perpetual slaveboy to OMATA soldiers. You were wishing that they had taken and showered you with money and "uncircumcised penises" instead of those college girls. (Mallams have been known to be partial to boys/men). Here you've confirmed that you are a certified outdated loser who found WOMEN elusive and had to fantasize about SOLD VIRGIN Igbo high school girls from home.
Sign up for male/female relationship management 101. Perhaps , you can learn how to approach an adult female...on your own without intimidation or help from "Mama". Get some education about women in general, and Igbo women in particular. Should you continue to fail to do so, they will ALL continue be ELUSIVE to you. Oh, Check out penile transplant while you're at it.
Next time in the midst of those of us, who are having meaningful dialog on the progress and wellbeing of Biafran sons and daughters, a spineless saboteur like you ought to wash your mouth, bite your tongue before you start your guttersnipe gibberish!
There you go again. Who did that to you? Why do you always have to insult, even people you have never and will never meet? Why are you so angry? The Igbo say that no matter how hot your anger may be, it cannot cook food. A person who sells eggs does not start a fight in the market. It is a stupid dog that barks at an elephant. Finally, sweetness attracts more flies than sourness. You need therapy sister.
___________________ Feel me? Ofu onye ana asi unu abia go. - Ednut Igbo-American . www.airamericaradio.com visit her.
Your first display was to let us Biafrans know in your ostrich-style that you're for One Nigeria status quo. I even went as far as asking you what your ways were for actualizing Biafra but you couldn't think of any and couldn't speak up. Then you proceed to mock every remark made by Biafrans about their plights, trials, and tribulation within Nigeria. Still thirsty, you moved to downing a true Ndigbo/Biafra son who has continuosly stood up to be counted with Ndigbo grassroots. Unsatisfied, you dabbled into being a self appointed defense lawyer for a Steve Nwabuzor. How much self-inflicted dis-honor in this your quest for attention, will it take before you see the light?
Unable to read in between the lines, (saboteurs always lack fore-sight) you unleashed your frustration on Igbo/Biafran women in diaspora and at home. Then unabashed shame allowed you to announce that you want a true Igbo/Biafran virgin school girl at home to be arranged for you for a wife. Does Biafran Igbos reward a fork-tonged saboteur like you with their teenage high school daughters? What you deserve is a date with Igboland shrine keepers for appeasement of our Dieties.
Because of my privilege as a true Ndigbo daughter, and as a true Biafran, it is imperative that I expose for what you are... a flaky, unrefined cowardic saboteur who is phobic of progressive Ndigbo daughters (and entire Ndigbo Biafrans, for that matter) . You use the diguise as an "Ibo" to insult every hard working Igbo women everywhere.
In every thread you contributed to, on this forum, you have displayed nothing but immature ignorance. You are a total disgrace to Igbos. Nne muru gi gba aka nwa!
Let me advise you again..... ------------------------------------------------------------------ Sign up for male/female relationship management 101. Perhaps , you can learn how to approach an adult female...on your own without intimidation or help from "Mama". Get some education about women in general, and Igbo women in particular. Should you continue to fail to do so, they will ALL continue be ELUSIVE to you. Oh, Check out penile transplant while you're at it. -------------------------------------------------------------------
For once in this your wretched life, stand up to be counted among Ndigbo...where it matters most to them, not where it matters most to Nigeria's status quo.
Ewu Awusa!
------------------------------------------------------------------- Next time in the midst of those of us, who are having meaningful dialog on the progress and wellbeing of Biafran sons and daughters, a spineless saboteur like you ought to wash your mouth, bite your tongue before you start your guttersnipe gibberish!
Amanda Wekson. What a proud Igbo/Biafran name. If you are so proud of your heritage, then why use foriegn names sister?
Anybody that has been following this our little dialogue will attest that your belligerent nature, mendacity and your inane glibness, obfuscates you from efficacious discuss. Have a good weekend my biafran queen.
___________________ Feel me? Ofu onye ana asi unu abia go. - Ednut Igbo-American . www.airamericaradio.com visit her.
posted
Ednut, Inspite of your personal gripe with Igbo women, realize that they are in good regard among other nations...not just in Africa, but in western nations, also. Know that they are Biafran women, not One Nigeria women. Feel free to dis your One Nigeria women as you'd probably get away with it.
Please refrain from further unfounded attacks on Igbo Biafra women. Do some research about them on your own. Remember to check out the Aba Women's Riot. Then, you will understand why it is unacceptable to allow you to denigrate them as you have done on this thread.
By the way, the first sentence of your last paragraph is riddled with unnecessary bogus words that the coherence of the sentence is lost in the shuffle. Try using simpler words, next time.
You wrote to me, "Have a good weekend my Biafra queen". That is the nicest thing I ever heard you say. Thanks for the most wonderful compliment. Sure, this weekend has started sweetly for me, already! Stay out of trouble.
posted
Ednut I think you need to learn that my beautiful sister Amanda is one Biafra woman you don't want to mess with. She can handle her self fine without any help from Biafran brothers like us. I think you need to quit while you are head as you know Biafran women can be sweet but don't ever take them for granted they will clean you out. Ask the white man who came to Igbo land, they will tell you much better about Biafra women. or Better Ask the Nigeria troops who tried to enter Port harcourt the first time during the war. How Biafra women finished them up and Ti nye kpe jara.
___________________ On Aburi We Stand. Posts: 3003 | From: Inland Empire California | Registered: Mar 2001
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See you see trouble o. Trouble tanda, iyanga go wake am. Abi you no sabi say Amanda na my woman? A beg make you comot jare. Go sidon sef. How you go play with fire unless you be fire-eater?
You might want to turn your attention to where you might actually have a chance. Sister Amanda is more than you can handle, besides she is a die hard Biafran could you live with this?
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